Sometimes, I beat myself up. Not literally, but mentally and emotionally. BUT WHY? Because sometimes, it feels like I need to? Because I made a mistake or didn’t perform entirely? Because I said the wrong thing or maybe made the wrong decision? There are so many reasons why I beat myself up, and I know it’s not okay. Can you relate to this? What’s worst, most of the time, I don’t even realize that I’m doing it, and then, I wonder why I feel so crummy.
Something I was beating myself up for about recently is the fact that I wasn’t more broken about my father’s death. Seriously, probably sounds really crazy and vulnerable, but it’s the truth! I thought I had to be sobbing and not wanting to leave the house for weeks, or my mourning wasn’t significant.
The truth is, I do feel sad and a lot of other emotions! Losing someone you love is never an easy thing and I have cried more tears than I thought was possible to have in my body. And it comes up here and there, and I cry and scream some more, because I am allowing myself to honor the process. I’m not even saying I’m fully over it. It is indeed a process! And everyone is different.
But out of all the emotions, do you know what I feel the most? Relieved.
Relieved my dad doesn’t have to struggle with health or addiction anymore.
Relieved I don’t feel the pressure to try and fix him.
Relieved we don’t have to compare ourselves to other daddy/daughter relationships.
Relieved because my whole life I’ve waited for this phone call and it finally came. Not when or how I expected, but it came.
Now, I know he’s free, and I’m learning it’s okay to feel relieved because I believe my Dad is relieved now too.
This is MY journey. I’m not saying we all have to, or will feel this way, but I do. I was even starting to beat myself up in my own personal relationship with the Lord, because I felt guilty for “not processing right”, or from “feeling relieved”. I am also learning that this in no way means my love for my father wasn’t tremendous or valid. I loved him and still do! Always have and always will! There’s nothing quite like the place a father has in a daughter’s heart, but I was unknowingly putting this idea of guilt and shame on myself from the Heavenly Father: thinking He wanted me to feel this way.
This is why I am thankful for the Holy Spirit speaking, Godly counsel, and the healing process, because it reveals and causes us to reevaluate the little lies that we are living, that actually fester and become big lies!
But why am I sharing this with all of you? I don’t have to. This is my private life: the most vulnerable spots of my heart and deepest thoughts in my mind. I don’t have a deep relationship with a lot you, SO WHY? Why would I crack myself open to you?
Because I suspect a lot of you are like me. Not just with loss and this specific situation, but just in general: you beat yourself up in life again and again and again and again, until you’re lying on the ground, wondering how you got there.
The sad part is, a lot of times we blame others for putting us there. I know, because I’ve done this. God has NOT called us to live in a victim mentality! In fact, He’s called us to live in total freedom! Jesus was the victim, beaten and bruised, so we can have freedom even over our thought patterns.
To tell you the truth, a lot of times we beat ourselves up because we don’t know our worth. I’m on this journey. The Father reminds me daily of who I am and what I mean to Him. And if we fully come to grasp with this, we wouldn’t martyr ourselves, because we’d realize Jesus already did that for us.
I challenge you to take note of the lies you’re believing, and try and replace them with the Heavenly Father’s truth. Read His word. Talk to Him. God’s identity for you is the only one that will stick and bring lasting impact. It’s the ONLY true identity.
Be blessed, and I pray you feel the Heavenly Father’s love today, coming in and changing your life.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36
“Now if we are children, then we are heirs–heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:17
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2