I once heard a wise man say, “Every dream has it’s death before it’s day.”
I really pondered that for a while…..and when I say “a while”, I mean a few years.
Initially, I thought, “Is that really true? I can see how that could be true, but I really hope it isn’t.”
Yet, I have come to find out in my short 23 years of life, that it really can be true. Now, before I really get into the mess of this topic; I want to assure you that it is not written in the form of “Oh brother! Life is a depressing, meaningless time-span and I should never dream.” No no no, that’s not my heart behind this at all.
In fact, I want to encourage you. I want to push you toward trusting God all the more. I want you to really surrender everything you are to Him. I want you to gain healing in areas where wounds have kept you bound. So here it goes…
As warm, vulnerable tears welled up in my eyes and slowly trickled down my cheeks, all I could think of was “Not now, push them back! Wait to cry later! Don’t let it show!” But I did it, I did what I swore I wouldn’t do all day. They were chatting about how only one team was able go to Turkey and I had this gut feeling that I needed to prematurely mourn this. I just really didn’t want to. “God haven’t I given up this dream already? This seems painfully familiar! Don’t make me give this up again!”
So in hearing the decision on who would be sent, I found myself crying in front of my peers and leaders. No matter how hard I tried, I simply could hold back no longer. There was a brokenness inside of me that I couldn’t really explain but a brokenness inside that I could’t help but express. …..and it hasn’t gone away.
I have been desiring to go to Turkey for a few years now and every time I have tried, the door has closed. This might sound silly to many people. Some might think, “Who cares? It’s just a nation and a dangerous one at that.” Yet, when you have experienced a God-given desire being laid on the altar again and again, you start to lose hope and wonder if you heard His voice about it in the first place.
Doubting is no fun when you’re a child of God. You don’t want to doubt but sometimes life has a funny way of making us ask the hard questions.
Weeping, I waited……
I am beginning to understand that this is far bigger than just a nation I desire to go to. This is me laying down all control in my life and trusting God with every part of ME. Letting go of all that I am and understanding that He knows my dreams more than I do and He has good plans for me. And He does have good plans for me.
Because if I am being totally honest and vulnerable I will say that I have struggled this whole year with “my own desires”. I have mourned and surrendered more things than I can count and I have questioned a whole lot. You would think that by now I would understand that trusting God with my everything is worth it right? I mean after all, he’s never let me down before. But sometimes knowing that doesn’t help in understanding God’s timing. So, all I could do was just press in and wait…..and then I heard His loving voice,
“Janea, I know all too well about pain. My love, I am with you. I understand. Even my dream had it’s death before it’s day.” (I wait. Wanting to say something to Him, but in realizing the gravity of this revelation closely unfolding upon me, I became speechless.)
“My dear daughter. Since before time began my dream has been to Father my creation but first I had to send my Son to die. I have had to lose a Son to gain many sons.”
All I could do was weep and let that revelation sit in. He gets it. He really gets it. And how dare I compare my pain to His? And how gentle He is to not rebuke me in my complaints?
You see, God is not against you and He is definitely not against your dreams. In fact, He puts these desires inside of us.
Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
In the meantime, it’s okay to mourn your dreams and it’s okay to ask God the hard questions. That’s actually healthy. I am currently doing this in the nation of Greece and I am learning that in all the surrender, I can gain Him even more.
A wise woman told me recently to have anticipation but not expectations.
The thing is, this life is just simply not mine or yours. It’s His. We have to be okay with that but we also have to understand that not only do we have a God who understands, but we have a Dad who understands.